dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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