Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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