I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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