What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
