my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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