youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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