Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
