Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
