paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
