how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
