Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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