I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
