i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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