I accidentally had phone sex last night
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
