I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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