I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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