You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
