You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
