I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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