She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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