I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
