My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
