The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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