"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
