I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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