glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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