Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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