Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
