i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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