"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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