fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
