i permit you to call me
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
