So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
