i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
try to milk me bitch
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
