I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
