No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
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