Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
