Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
