Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We need to get me chipped asap
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I had to cum in my sink.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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