Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
