god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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