i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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