been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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