I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Need sex. Gaining weight.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
