I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
