rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This toilet bowl is my home.
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