I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
