I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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