You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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