fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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