I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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